This morning as my co-host and I were on the air, one of the ladies from our office came in holding a vase of roses, a Valentine's bag and a big balloon. She set them on my desk and said she was the "delivery lady". I was really excited, until she said they were for Dan.
I felt pretty darn foolish. After all, I had told my husband that he shouldn't get me anything as we are going to a Valentine's banquet (tomorrow), and then to Israel next week! We need to be saving money, and flowers and balloons are just a waste of money. Or are they?
Prices for Valentine's Day are so over inflated. A dozen roses that last week were $9.99 are now $20 (or more). Nothing changed except the day on which they are given.
I try to fight against the mentality that gifts are an indicator of value or love. It's not even really my love language.
As defined by Dr. Gary Chapman, the love languages include: acts of service, quality time, gifts, physical touch, and words of affirmation. My husband is physical touch, I'm acts of service.
I guess the Valentine's letdown came from thinking my hubby hadn't spent the time (not money) to plan a surprise. He could have popped into the office with a can of tuna and I would have been happy that he had gone out of his way.
Don't get me wrong--I'm not going to hold a grudge. I'm not going to pout and make him feel guilty. I guess I'm just going to be more aware in the future, when I tell him not to get me anything, to be honest about what I really mean--that I don't need him to spend money, but do need him to take the time to think of me and let me know I'm loved.
Love languages are tricky things--it's hard to think outside the parameters of what makes you feel loved. But, it's well worth it when you invest the time and effort to communicate in such a way that makes the other person feel that they are worth
Great word for us Birga! I've long said that women must communicate their needs to men and do so in a way that is not needy.
ReplyDeleteIt's a magic trick that CAN be accomplished.
I've found in my own marriage, and also in years of mentoring and counseling younger women, that men are more than willing to adjust behaviors in order to, well, please their gal! Ask any man and he will tell you that he's not a mind reader. He WANTS to know that he's blessing you or how to bless you more!
Upon suggesting that a woman explain to her fellow what would really be a romantic or special gesture, I've actually had women respond, "I don't want to tell him that! Then when he does it, it won't be special!"
My response, "Get over yourself!"
No really, my response is usually, "Yes, well, maybe the first time he does that "special thing," you will know that it came at your suggestion, but you'll still enjoy it won't you? And after that, as time goes on and his loving gesture continues, it will become very precious to you and you'll long forget that you initiated the special moments in the first place.
For example: After just a year of marriage, I realized that my husband was trying to fix everything I ever complained about with his logic and, at the time, ill-received advice. I felt like a child every time I made a negative comment because he'd say, "What you need to do is...."
I decided to have a chat with him.
Over dinner (I discovered the phenomenon that men receive news really well while their eating), I said, "Honey, I need your help with something." Then I explained how his advice made me feel but also acknowledged his wisdom, saying that there were times I needed it. I told him that sometimes I just need to vent and I need him to just listen, affirm me, and give me a hug. I'd be sure and let him know when I needed that wise counsel with a "What do you think about it dear?"
Eureeka! It worked! He wasn't offended and he was more than willing adjust.
In summation, I spoke on his level without whining (and while consumed meat). In other words, I spoke his language and he got it! And he followed through! After 22 years of marriage, he's still listening and affirming and only giving advise when asked to do so directly.
I don't feel less of a woman or less special because 21 years ago I had to communicate my deepest need. I feel loved that he cared enough to know.
So, yes Birga, tell him. But do it over dinner.
Laurie
Thanks Laurie, good words!
DeleteDear Birga, I love this post. Your analysis of what you perceived versus what really happened was wonderfully thought-provoking for me. I often fall into the trap of, "Where is my present?" or "Why was I not studied better?" It is so easy to let Satan steal our joy when our thoughts don't align properly with reality. You have set a good example here that I plan to follow. I expect others will as well. May God bless you for it! Hugs, Gwen
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