The Pain of Change

I posted this a few days back on my work blog, but thought I'd share it here as well.

Stagnation is defined by dictionary.com as:

  /stægˈneɪʃən/

1. the state or condition of stagnating, or having stopped, as by ceasing to run or flow

2. a foulness or staleness, as one emanating from a standing pool of water.

3. a failure to develop, progress, or advance

4. the state or quality of being or feeling sluggish and dull

I definitely don't want a stagnant life. But, as I see it, stagnation is only avoided by change--allowing yourself to "go with the flow". And therein lies the problem. Change can be painful.

Typically, as we grow older, we become more set in our ways. In the last 10 years of my life, there has been a remarkable shift from my desperation for change, to a current fear of being shaken. As a young stay-at-home mom, I remember a feeling of hopelessness that things would never change. I couldn't see beyond the sleepless nights, diapers, and feedings. Desperate for any sign of change, I would re-arrange furniture just to have the appearance of something different.

Now, a decade later, change doesn't much appeal to me. Moving to a new home or job seems like an overwhelming prospect. As my children grow, it's a delight to watch them mature, but it is becoming increasingly difficult to help them work through their problems (academically or socially) that are increasingly complex.

Yesterday, I got one of those painful reminders about just how inflexible I have become. Within a matter of a few hours, I was called "uptight" and "an old fuddy duddy". Keep in mind that I haven't even hit 35 yet! I think there is little question that I have become stagnant.

So today, though my mind races and that fear of the uncertain knocks at the door, I'm going to try to open the flood gates. It's time to purge my foulness and staleness. I want to develop in my personal and work life. I want to see a forward progression and advancement beyond where I stand now.

Having woken at 3:45 this morning, I'm feeling both sluggish and dull, however I opt not to stay there. While I'm a long way off from a Gumby-like flexibility, I can start with some small steps today. I will choose to look to the future, and trust that the Lord has a good plan for me. I may not have the vision to understand why or how the speed bumps and detours can be used for my benefit, but I know that they can be. Our God is a good and faithful God. We just have to trust that His eternal perspective is infinitely more complex then our finite understanding of the here and now.

John 7:38 Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them.

There's red, and then there's RED!

I've been missing my grandfather lately.  He was a rough and tough man, but there were the little quirky things he said and did to let me know that I was loved, even if he couldn't/wouldn't say so.  This photo is now several years old, but I wanted to post it, because it is the best illustration I have of the thought I am pondering today.

In this photo is myself (in the blue), my cousin (in the brown) and my sister (the only woman left).  We're in the shade, so our hair color isn't true to life.  But my cousin Lauren has RED hair.  The kind of red that makes you pause and watch her when she walks by.  It's stunning.  I have a much lighter shade of red (my dad says strawberry blond).

Opa (what we called my grandfather) would often call Lauren "Red".  Every once in a while, he'd use the nickname for me also, but never when the two of us were together.  If anyone gets to claim that title, it's Lauren!

Anyway, over the last few months, my husband has been very cute, in letting me see what would happen if he were to grow his hair a little longer.  It's a little messy, but I love it.  He's endured a bit of ribbing from the guys at work, but keeps it that way because I think he looks so darn good.

During a hair discussion one afternoon, he asked me what I would think about going "Lauren red".  First off, I have to make clear that I have never dyed my hair--not even highlights.  So, the prospect of changing my hair color makes me nervous. 

While I absolutely love Lauren's hair (and have often been jealous of it), the thought of trying my hand at being a RED head gives me pause.  Do I try it because Bob wants to see what it looks like?  I guess in the back of my mind, my biggest fear is that I will come out of the experience with hair resembling the color of Twizzlers.  While I'm a candy fiend, and don't want to look like it!

My heart is always to please my husband, so I may just need to put my nerves aside and go for it.  But, if over the next few weeks you see me and the hair color didn't come out quite right, remember that I did it for love, and not for vanity.

You vs. Me

Do you ever come across an article or story that is so refreshingly honest that you want to stand up and cheer?  Last week, an article was submitted to me, written by Gena Suarez, publisher of "The Old Schoolhouse Magazine" http://thehomeschoolmagazine.com/.  In her willingness to expose herself to readers, she shared that she often times doesn't have it very together.  The house may be a mess, and she reported that there are many a day, that she is as well.

I was so refreshed by her candor, that I asked to do an interview with her (which took place this morning).  We discussed just how terrible the cycle of comparison can be for women.  I may feel guilty because I don't home school my kids like that mom, and she in turn may feel pressured because she doesn't do some of the things I do.  It's the ultimate example of trying to "keep up with the Joneses" though the eye of envy may not focus on the "stuff" but on the task list of the mom in question.

It seems that women set themselves upon the scales, daily weighing their effectiveness or accomplishments, based on where they rank compared to "her".  While the men may tease each other on anything from sexual prowess to athleticism and salary, we ladies look each other up and down and compare (or rate) ourselves on comparative haircuts, right down to the shoes.

So, in honor of Gena, and the spirit of setting free the woman's bondage of comparison, I will expose some (not all) of my dirty little secrets!

*My children do not bathe daily.  In fact, it probably only happens twice a week.
*I hate changing clothes so much, that I will often avoid exercising because I don't want the hassle of dressing and redressing.  I have been known to nap in shoes.
*I only cook 2 meals a week.  My husband and I routinely play the game: Find what's oldest in the fridge, and eat it before it spoils.
*I crave validation and/or feedback.  I get sad if people don't comment on my Facebook posts.
*I hire a dear friend (who needs the work) to clean my house two times a month. 
*I have a list of projects waiting to be done from when we moved in.  It's been 7 years.
*Towels and sheets don't get washed very often.
*I can't iron.  My husband does it for me.
*I will choose sleep over any other pass time, if given the option.
*I am such a bad speller, I question if I could pass a 5th grade spelling test.
*I don't stay trim because I have a stellar diet and routine exercise pattern, it's just luck and genetics.
*I'm cheep, real cheep.
*I may have learned to contain my angry outbursts at my children, but several times a week, I can't stand being with them because of their behavior.

So, lest anyone think that I have it all together, this is just a small sampling of the reality of me.  I can't promise that I won't be jealous when I see you at Target, and you and your children look beautiful and rested.  But, I'll do my best to remember that you have your struggles too.

Ladies, let's cut ourselves and each other a little slack.  Let's be honest and compassionate.  And let us refuse to judge each other (or ourselves) on the scale of you vs. me.

The grass is always greener on the Amish side

A few weeks back, I interviewed Suzanne Woods Fisher, the author of "Amish Values for Your Family". I was fascinated by her simple approach of putting together stories from this often misunderstood people group, to bring wisdom into our tech-savvy, confused lives.

Getting books mailed to me at the rate of 5 per week, I have stacks that I would love to get through--but sadly, time does not allow. This book however, has accompanied me to the doctor's office, school drive-through and the bathtub.

Often feeling overwhelmed with my little life, I enjoy reading the stories of Amish families and their simple approach to, well, everything. From farming to discipline, the Amish are calm, collected and purposeful in all they do. There truly are many lessons that can be learned from them.

I've now begun to ponder the idea of an Amish vacation. I don't know if they would like to have our family in their midst, but I would love a first hand look at the way their world works. I want to cook wholesome food with their women. I want to watch their children do chores without complaining. I want to see the men come together to complete a building project. But most of all, I want to see what contentment looks like, without all the "stuff".

We (as a church group) have often discussed taking a mission trip to Mexico or an impoverished U.S. community, so that we can really see the comparison of our "extravagant" lifestyle, with the desperate condition of the rest of the world. We want to teach our kids sacrifice and service. But I have to admit that I also want my children to see just how much they take for granted.

Lately I've begun to think that a trip to Amish country might accomplish many of these same goals. They would see what it means to work hard. They would learn what it means to be part of a community. They would see faith in action and what mutual respect looks like.

I'm sure Amish life has its pitfalls (aside from the obvious). But, statistically speaking, they are doing something very right. According the Fisher, the Amish have a virtually 0% divorce rate and the retention rate of Amish teens (those that choose the Amish life and church) is between 85 and 90 percent.

So, if you catch wind of an Amish exchange program, please let me know. While I doubt they'd want to visit our house, I sure would like to spend some time in theirs! It might hurt at first to unplug, but I have a feeling that the payoff will be worth the sacrifice.

What is normal?

From the day babies are born, it is very common to hear mothers ask one another about developmental milestones.  Does she feed every three hours?  Is he sleeping through the night yet?  Has she rolled over?

The comparisons continue into each stage of childhood where we worry if our babies don't have enough babble vocabulary, or if the first steps have come too late.  By the time the children reach kindergarten, the questions shift in tone as parents like to boast through examination.  Is John able to count to 20?  My Karen is reading three letter words.  How about your daughter?

But what happens if your child isn't a little Einstein?  What if they hate to read and fail their spelling tests no matter how many times you drill the words?  My oldest daughter is one who has really struggled through the last few years of school.  We have worked with her for hours a day, hired a private tutor, and now we are left with the possibility that there may be some learning disabilities.

My girl is so precious to my heart.  She is observant and calculated.  She is fearless and bold.  She loves to please others.  But when it comes time to learn the curriculum, she is frustrated and feels stupid.  This breaks my heart.

My husband and I have made the decision to go forward with substantial testing to determine if there may be problems with dyslexia or another learning disability.  But, what if nothing is found?  What if I don't have the "A" student who will be class valedictorian?  If she does the best she can do, and barely makes it through, I will still be proud.

She may be judged by the world, but she will be adored by me.  I have had the privilege of watching her grow from a strong-willed toddler into a tender hearted little lady.  And while there will be years of work ahead, I pray that my attitude toward her will be one of total acceptance.  My highest calling is to show her what love is, and to teach her just who she is in this world.

Tuesday: Trash Day

Getting back to work after a long holiday weekend proved to be extra challenging today.  I wasn't feeling quite right.  It may have been the negative anticipation of my annual exam (ladies--you know what I mean), or the fact that a little bug is working its way through my system.  It also may be due to my motherly concern with a weepy 10 year old who is struggling in an area that I'm powerless to help in.

But, whatever the cause for my off day, there was a slight relief from my mental fog when I rounded the corner and found the trash bin had been emptied.  It is, after all, trash day.

There is something refreshing about the fact that our trash will be hauled away on a weekly basis.  I get a similar feeling from dumping the recycling bin (literal or electronic) or when dropping off a load of "stuff" at Goodwill, or other donation centers.  It's the lightening of a load--a removal of excess in my life--that brings a touch of serenity to my heart.

I am constantly amazed at how much clutter I have.  It's not the nick-knacks and mantle pieces you may envision, but the extra baggage that I heap on myself with stress, worry, anticipation and expectations. I long for my mind to grow still and steady, taking the good with the bad, letting the bondage of fear be taken away by the Sanitation Department.

While I salute the hard working employees at this city's Solid Waste Department, I would like to gather contact information for the Non-Tangible Waste Department.  I have a lot of life debris that I'd like to schedule for removal.  But, that job may need to be referred to the Spiritual Dermatologist, as the growth may need to be surgically removed.

Come to think of it, I have the card of someone who can do the job completely.  He's available 24 hours and doesn't charge extra for weekends or holidays.  His rates blow away the competition.  In fact, the last time I used His services He told me the bill had already been paid in full!  I don't know why I forget to call on Him every time I have a problem!  I guess the obvious slips my mind in the midst of my mental mess.

He definitely loves referrals, so if you are interested, just let me know.  I'll make sure to put you in touch with Him.  And now that I'm thinking about it, you'll need to excuse me, as I have a call to make.

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. ²⁹Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." Matthew 11:27-30

Needing to say NO

As many families can relate, we have a jam packed weekly schedule and time seems to always be flying by.  We gather with extended family several times a week for a meal.  Overall, it's been a blessing and has allowed my children to develop a much tighter relationship with their aunts, uncles and grandparents than I ever had with mine.  But, that also mean that two dinners and a lunch each week are spent at another home, or preparing to have others over to ours.  Add church, band, and sports into the mix, and it's easy to get caught up in a whirlwind of activities without any real rest.

This week, I've had to say no.  I couldn't do family dinner last night after the dentist.  And Friday, we aren't going to get together with our church group.  I need a little down time.

But then came the feelings of guilt.  I worried that I didn't have a good enough reason to bow out. 
The real truth of the matter is that I'm a chronic people pleaser.  I worry about upsetting others, or making waves.  I have a not-so-secret paranoia that my decisions will somehow anger those around me.

While this isn't really a new revelation to me, it was somewhat astonishing that after relating my feelings of worry and doubt to my husband last night, I made a decision to say no to something else: guilt.  And, much to my surprise, I haven't picked my personal guilt trip back up again. 

So, feeling empowered by the word "No" this week, I march on.  While there is still plenty to get done, I am relieved that there are at least two less items that I had to balance in my schedule this week.  And now, I'm off to pick up the girls.  I have a funny feeling that I'm about to get some more practice with the word of the week! ;)